


Red

by AllTimePhan73



Series: Voltron Short Stories [14]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Metaphors, Panic Attacks, Poetry, Sad, Self-Harm, Suffering, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-09 21:51:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18646792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllTimePhan73/pseuds/AllTimePhan73
Summary: I paint with the colour redIn time with the colourful thoughts in my headThe canvas might be unappealing to youBut I think it's soothingPlease look at the tags for trigger warnings. It's a generally heavy short story so stay safe.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a poem and then I wrote a one shot about it. Here’s the result. The full poem is at the eeeend :)

_I paint with the colour red_

_In time with the colourful thoughts in my head_

_The canvas_ _might be unappealing to you_

_But I think it’s soothing_

Keith couldn’t remember what Lance had said but whatever it was, it had been enough to trigger him. That was how he ended up in his bathroom, holding onto a razor with a death grip. The others didn’t know he had the razor but it was something he hadn’t separated from himself for a long time. When Keith had left earth with Lance, Hunk and Pidge, it was buried in his wallet and, so, came to space with him. 

Red. There was so much red surrounding the red paladin. Keith didn’t even have the energy to cry as his entire body trembled. Keith hadn’t seen so much blood on his own wrists since back on Earth. It looked like he was on the verge of death but Keith felt calmer than he had in awhile. He didn’t want to tell the others about his coping mechanism because they wouldn’t understand. 

_Bang bang bang_

_I can hear them knocking on my door again_

_I told them to stop a hundred times_

_But, for some reason, they refuse to listen_

Someone knocking on the door drew Keith’s attention away from the red. “I’ll be out in a minute!” Keith called, pulling himself up onto his jelly legs. Whoever it was let out a large sigh but didn’t say another word which Keith took as a good sign. He scrambled for a wrap of bandages until there wasn’t any more red to be seen.

Just as Keith was about to open the door, the person on the other side knocked again. “Keith? What’s taking you so-” The person- Lance as it so turned out- cut himself off as Keith opened the door. “Oh. Hi.”

“What did you want?” Keith’s voice was much sharper than he had anticipated which, naturally, made Lance stumble back as if he had been stabbed. Keith might as well have grabbed his blade and held it up against the blue paladin’s neck. 

“Dinner is ready.”

“Cool, thanks for letting me know.”

Keith let out a soft sigh, subconsciously tugging at his sleeves so that they covered his hands. He started to leave but Lance stopped him by speaking up again. “Are you okay? You seem tense.”

“I’m fine, Lance.”

“Look, what I said earlier-”

“It’s not important.” And it wasn’t important. Keith didn’t think so, at least. He couldn’t even remember what Lance had said. All he could remember was the sincerity on Lance’s face as he furrowed his eyebrows and scowled. He looked so _angry_. He looked like he hated Keith’s guts. He looked like Keith was the last person in the universe he ever wanted to see again. In the end, it was that expression that had triggered the loophole of self hatred that has lead Keith in search of his relief. 

_I want to save the world, I do_

_But I also need to save myself too_

_What good am I as a defender of the universe_

_When I’m constantly in pain?_

“Keith!” Distantly, Keith could hear Lance screaming his name but he was transfixed in the giant Galra ship facing him. It was charging its laser but Keith’s hands were frozen around the controls. He couldn’t move. Just as the light began to release from the ship, something hit Keith’s lion and he lurched to the side. He let out a surprised cry, falling forward but somehow staying on his chair. “What the hell were you doing?!” Lance yelled through the coms but Keith couldn’t formulate a response. His body felt like lead and his lips were stuck in place. He was so close. It would have been so easy for him to just…

“Get back to the Castle of Lions. We’re going to wormhole out of here. We’re not fit to fight the Galra!” Shiro yelled, to which the others responded in agreement. Keith was seeing black spots in front his vision and, all of a sudden, he couldn’t breathe. He hunched over and placed a hand over his rapidly beating heart, scrunching his eyes shut. He was dying, wasn’t he? He was running out of oxygen or maybe he was going to have a heart attack…

“Keith! Come on! You’re not going to make it if you don’t move now!” 

Keith let out a loud, pain-filled cry as he lurched forward in his seat, falling to his knees on the ground. He groaned as the world danced around him, making him feel like he was going to throw up what little food he had in his stomach. It wasn’t long before he blacked out.

_I miss the mum I never had_

_I miss everything, including my dad_

_Now the universe is heavy on my shoulders_

_And I don’t think I can cope_

“What caused him to pass out?” Keith heard as his eyes slowly opened. His body felt like it was made out of lead as every last part of him _ached_. “Did he get hurt? Was it because I hit him with Blue? I was only trying to help…”

“I know, Lance, and you did help. You saved his life. We don’t know why he passed out.” 

Deciding to make his conscious state known, Keith struggled into a sitting position. Lance was instantaneously at his side, examining his facial expression for even the slightest hint of pain. Keith hated being fussed over so he refused to meet Lance’s gaze. In that moment, he longed to be back home in his shack with his dad. Long before his dad died. Long before Keith was diagnosed with depression. Long before _Voltron_. Having the weight of the universe on his shoulders was too much and he couldn’t handle it anymore.

“How’ve you been?” Shiro asked, face fixed into its usual stern expression. Not even Keith could decipher what emotion was hidden beneath it.

“Fine.” Keith mumbled. He was glaring down at his lap as if it was the sole reason he had become an orphan.

“Really? You aren’t training too much, are you? I’ve been so busy-”

“It’s not your fault. You have better things to do, I get it. I’m fine though.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I’m tired.” Keith pulled himself up onto his feet before heading out of the room. His legs were weak but he managed to maintain his dignity by not collapsing again.

_I used to sing myself to sleep_

_With disgusting words stuck on repeat_

_I don’t think I’ve rested in a while_

_But they’re yet to notice_

Keith was sat in front of a glass pane, staring out into space. He had his legs crossed as if he was a kid, sat back in a primary school classroom again. He leaned forward and pressed his warm hand against the cold glass, wishing he could go back to the times where things were more simple. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he had gotten a full night’s sleep. All Keith did once his head hit the pillow was think. Think about all the mistakes he had made. Think about all the awkward moments he had experienced. Think about how much everyone secretly hated him. 

It wasn’t like he minded that much. He was able to find solace in space in the dead of night when the others were asleep. When he looked out into the galaxy, he was reminded that there were other people out there that he had to protect. He had a purpose; he was going to look after the more vulnerable people. What he had to go through with his depression was incomparable to some of the problems other people had. He wasn’t important.

It didn’t matter that he had started to skip meals.

It didn’t matter that he hadn’t been sleeping properly.

It didn’t matter that he had started to hurt himself again.

It didn’t matter because no one cared enough to notice.

_Maybe I could make it go away_

_Give up and get rid of all the pain_

_It would be so easy to turn my wrist over_

_And stop._

Tears trickled down Keith’s cheeks as he rolled up his sleeves. The fabric brushed against his cuts but he didn’t even hiss: he felt numb. He gripped his razor and pressed it into his upturned wrist. The red bubbled to the surface and he was mesmerised by it. It was like some sort of drug Keith was addicted to. Each cut was a hit that left him feeling high. It gave him a brief moment of feeling when all he had ever experienced was numbness.

Keith’s eyes focused onto his vein. How easy would it be for him to-

“Keith? Can you come out?” Rolling his eyes, Keith grabbed the bandages. He wrapped them around his wrist until they were more red than white. He then stood up and pulled the door open. To his surprise, Lance pulled him into a hug. “I’m here for you, okay? Please don’t suffer in silence. Please.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re hiding injuries,” Lance’s face softened in worry so Keith just avoided Lance’s gaze. “Coran was talking about how some bandages had gone missing from the med bay so I offered to go on a hunt. I found some bloody bandages in your trash. I knew it. You’re training too much. Why don’t you just talk to us?”

“Lance… I’m not-”

“Explain the bandages then. Why have you been taking them?"

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Keith pushed past Lance so Lance grabbed his wrist. He let out a loud yelp and it was almost like Lance knew straight away. His face paled and his mouth dropped open.

“Keith…” Keith had never heard Lance’s voice so gentle but he never wanted to hear it again. Lance reached out and pulled up Keith’s sleeve to reveal his bandaged wrist. “You- You should have told me. I could have helped.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Please… I want you to feel better… I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”

“You can’t fix anything. I’m depressed and no one person is going to cure me.”

“I- I don’t want you to hurt. I know I can’t cure you but the least I can do is be there for you.” Keith let out a loud sob, full of emotion, as he collapsed into Lance’s arms with his head buried into his shoulder. Lance’s arms felt warm and more like home than anything else ever had.

_But then again_

_I can’t speak for them_

_I don’t know what they’re thinking_

_Maybe they really do want to help me_


	2. Chapter 2

_It was hard and it always will be_

_I really thought they hated me_

_I was just another burden_

_They had better things to worry about_

“Keith.” Lance said, poking Keith’s side. The red paladin was staring directly ahead, picking at his food without even realising what he was doing. “Keith.” The entire team was staring at him, concern covering each of their individual expressions. After figuring out Keith had passed out due to a panic attack and low sugar levels, no one could blame them for worrying but they didn’t know half of the story. “Keith!”

Finally, the red paladin snapped out of whatever trance he was stuck in. He turned to look at Lance, gradually picking apart his expression before realising how much attention was fixated on him. “I’m going to go train.” He muttered before standing up and storming out of the room. Lance tried to call him back but to no avail. Keith was gone.

_My body felt like lead_

_And dark thoughts filled my head_

_I was as cold as ice_

_Until you touched me with your warmth_

Keith didn’t want to get out of bed. His entire body felt like the entire weight of the universe had been dropped on it and it meant he couldn’t move. He stayed, as still as a statue, as his eyes burned holes into the ceiling. He couldn’t feel anything.

At some point, Lance knocked on his door but Keith couldn’t have told you how long he had been laying there for. “I brought you some breakfast because you didn’t eat dinner last night.” Lance murmured but only received a soft hum from Keith. He couldn’t move his head: it was too heavy. The world seemed a few shades darker and everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. It hurt his head. “Come on, at least sit up.”

Keith only sat up once Lance helped him. Then Lance handed over the plate but Keith just stared at it. 

“Bad day?” That was an understatement. “Do I need to feed you? I had baby nieces, you know?” Keith didn’t say anything else so Lance picked up one of the pieces of cutlery and poked the food. “Here comes the aeroplane!” Lance imitated the sound of an aeroplane as he brought the food towards Keith’s pursed lips. As soon as Keith’s mouth opened even the slightest to smile at Lance’s childish behaviour, Lance shoved the food in.

Keith let out a weak chuckle but it was a chuckle and that was what was important.

“There space for me?” Even though Keith didn’t respond verbally, he shuffled to the side as a silent encouragement for Lance to climb into the bed beside him. “You’re freezing, man!” Lance laughed as soon as their sides touch. To combat Keith’s temperature, he wrapped his arms around the red paladin and pulled him closer.

_There were bad nights_

_Where I’d experience internal fights_

_My brain bloodied and bruised_

_I didn’t want to fight anymore_

“Can’t sleep?” Lance questioned as he walked into the observatory. Keith was sat by the glass again, staring out into space as if it was trying to tell him something. The concentrative expression on his face was adorable. He looked like he was at home. Keith only hummed in response, lightly tapping the space at his side. Lance stepped forward and dropped into a sitting position beside the red paladin. “How bad?”

Keith held up eight fingers without sparing a second glance at Lance. Lance nodded before wrapping an arm around Keith’s shoulders. Keith didn’t like talking sometimes and Lance had learned to understand that. They had a system where they rated Keith’s mood out of ten, ten being the worst. Keith had only ever had a ten once and Lance never wanted to experience it again. He never wanted Keith to go through it again.

Luckily, Lance could talk for a nonverbal Keith. “Most of my family lived in Cuba, as you know. I lived with my parents, brothers and sister but everyone else lived in Cuba, including my abuela. I missed her a lot but one thing that always kept me sane was space. I would go outside when I was upset, even if it was the middle of the night and I was only wearing my pyjamas and slippers. I looked up at the sky and I was reminded that we were both in the same universe, on the same planet, with the same sun. It was what kept me going sometimes. Especially when my parents fought.”

Keith turned his head to look at Lance. The light freckles on his face almost made consolations of their own.

“I’m not saying my life sucked or whatever. I’m just saying that I sort of get your relationship with space. It’s the only thing that stays constant in a world when things are constantly changing and leaving.” Keith nodded but he didn’t really think Lance understood the extent of the relationship. He had no idea how much space had been there for him when his mother left; his father died and Shiro was pronounced missing after the Keberos mission. All Keith had was space.

_I saw you with your friends the other day_

_You were smiling; not at all pained_

_All I do is make you cry_

_You deserve so much better_

Keith was about to walk into the kitchen to get a drink of water but stopped at the last second. He could hear Lance’s beautiful laughter, echoing out into the hallway and radiating positive energy. Creeping forward, Keith could just about see Lance and Hunk. Lance was smiling so much that there were little crinkles by his eyes.

He backed up, sudden realisation hitting him like a tidal wave. All he did was bring Lance down. Keith wasn’t upset. He didn’t feel anything. He just silently headed back to his bedroom, as if he hadn’t seen anything at all.

_I wanted to tell you what you meant to me_

_But I worry I’m not the man you want me to be_

_I’m not good enough_

_I know I’m not_

“Hey, Lance?” Keith murmured, fingers tracing gentle shapes into the blue paladin’s skin. Lance was the one to hum that time, turning his head and looking into Keith’s eyes. “I…” He started but soon trailed off. “Nevermind.”

“What?” Lance questioned, raising his eyebrows in curiosity. Keith shook his head. “What?” Lance dragged out the word, poking Keith’s side so hard that he flinched. 

“I’m feeling better today. I don’t think… I don’t need you to watch over me anymore.” Keith didn’t deserve Lance’s time. Lance deserved the world- the universe- and all Keith could give him was the burden of pain.

“I know you’re feeling better. I can see it… but I’m still going to care for you, okay? No matter what. Do you know why?”

“Why?” Keith’s voice was broken and fragile.

“Because I love you, man.”

“As a friend?”

Lance went silent, an unreadable expression on his face. “Forget I said that.” Keith wasn’t thinking straight as he cupped Lance’s cheeks and pulled him into a kiss.

_When I told the rest of the team_

_You were there, right beside me_

_You held my hand and squeezed_

_I could only do it because you were there_

Warmth. Lance’s hand spread warmth through Keith’s entire body. Lance squeezed Keith’s hand as they both stared out at the worried faces of the rest of the team. “I’m depressed.” Keith dived straight into the deep end, deciding there wasn’t much point dwelling on the anxiety. Pidge’s face softened and Hunk’s eyes filled with tears. 

Once Lance realised Coran and Allura were looking at Keith as if he was insane, he filled in the gaps. “It’s a mental illness humans suffer with. It involves a low mood but a _really_ low mood. It’s really difficult to go through, especially when you’re stuck in space without therapy or medication.”

“Oh,” Coran ended up murmuring, stepping forward and pulling Keith into an unexpected hug. “My son…” Just that was enough to set Keith off into another set of tears. He was almost embarrassed to cry in front of the team when he was supposed to be a strong defender of the universe but he realised something. They cared.

_I felt like I was finally at home_

_For once I wasn’t alone_

_I had a family._

_They cared._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, here's the poem:
> 
> It was hard and it always will be  
> I really thought they hated me  
> I was just another burden  
> They had better things to worry about
> 
> My body felt like lead  
> And dark thoughts filled my head  
> I was as cold as ice  
> Until you touched me with your warmth
> 
> There were bad nights  
> Where I’d experience internal fights  
> My brain bloodied and bruised  
> I didn’t want to fight anymore
> 
> I saw you with your friends the other day  
> You were smiling; not at all pained  
> All I do is make you cry  
> You deserve so much better
> 
> I wanted to tell you what you meant to me  
> But I worry I’m not the man you want me to be  
> I’m not good enough  
> I know I’m not
> 
> When I told the rest of the team  
> You were there, right beside me  
> You held my hand and squeezed  
> I could only do it because you were there
> 
> I felt like I was finally at home  
> For once I wasn’t alone  
> I had a family.  
> They cared.
> 
> I might add more to this but I'm not sure so I'm setting it to complete for now! I hope you enjoyed my short story :)

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the whole poem for those wondering:
> 
> I paint with the colour red  
> In time with the colourful thoughts in my head  
> The canvas might be unappealing to you  
> But I think it’s soothing
> 
> Bang bang bang  
> I can hear them knocking on my door again  
> I told them to stop a hundred times  
> But, for some reason, they refuse to listen
> 
> I want to save the world, I do  
> But I also need to save myself too  
> What good am I as a defender of the universe  
> When I’m constantly in pain?
> 
> I miss the mum I never had  
> I miss everything, including my dad  
> Now the universe is heavy on my shoulders  
> And I don’t think I can cope
> 
> I used to sing myself to sleep  
> With disgusting words stuck on repeat  
> I don’t think I’ve rested in a while  
> But they’re yet to notice
> 
> Maybe I could make it go away  
> Give up and get rid of all the pain  
> It would be so easy to turn my wrist over  
> And stop.
> 
> But then again  
> I can’t speak for them  
> I don’t know what they’re thinking  
> Maybe they really do want to help me


End file.
